Anybody got a match?

Lists — at least those not given to me by a certain redhead to insure that I return from the Piggly Wiggly with something other than white sugar or it’s refined, value added, artificially flavored, and colorfully packaged cousins — tend to be useless things.  I am particularly troubled by “Best of…” compendiums and the like.  Perhaps it’s because these concise distillations invariably make me feel like I am:  (a) Out of touch – in other words, I haven’t heard of the products or titles included.  I am not hip.  (b) Out of step – that is to say, I’ve heard of the stuff, but didn’t like it.  I am not hip.  Or, ©  Out of contention – my stuff didn’t make the list.  I am not included.  I am not hip.

That said, my prehensile rational tail twitched when I saw this list of the “Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries.”

Fifteen “Conservative Scholars” (Phyllis Schlafley for example) took a vote and the winners/losers were… well, predictable – at least at the start.

“The Communist Manifesto”  and “Mein Kampf” finished 1-2.  No need to really discuss the particulars of the top vote getters.  The surprises come further down the line. Number-4 was “The Kinsey Report.”  Apparently “impure thoughts” were inspired to the detriment of all humankind.  Which perhaps led directly to Number-7 “The Feminine Mystique” by Betty Friedan.  Betty as it turns out actually slept with a communist friend of J. Robert Openheimer.  Nuff said.  Check out the entire list, as well as the “Honorable Mentions” such as Darwin and Freud.  And if anyone can tell me why Rachel Carson’s “Silent Spring” was harmful, please fill me in.

Which leads me to this…  Why weren’t any harmful novels mentioned?

As a novelist I feel like my category has been dissed.  [see (a), (b), and © above]  Certainly we novelists are powerful enough to have caused a little harm to humanity.

Let me propose just a few execrable examples:

1.   “Love Story” by Eric Segal – Hey, it cost Gore the election.

2.  “Those Who Trespass” by Bill O’Reilly – Yes, damage from our favorite genre.

  1. “Sterling Silver, Stainless Steel and Crystal Heart Belly Bar, 1 Inch”  by Paris Hilton

…Wait, that last one is not a book.  Nevermind, you get the idea.  Have you ever been harmed by a novel?  Have you ever been harmed by any book?

At any rate, the compilers of the list of “Ten Most Harmful Books” don’t finish their thought.  Now that we know the books are harmful, what are we supposed to do?

I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop… and for the list to get longer.