How to query the New Yorker

Jennifer Weiner recently pitched the New Yorker a piece for its Talk of the Town section. Sadly, they passed, saying someting about “how they recently did a story that had elements in common with the piece I was proposing. Also, they like to keep their Talk of the Town pieces local, and Philadelphia is not New York.” So, in order to warn others frantically pitching the magazine this very moment, she’s prepared an Extremely Important How-To Guide that will come in handy time and time again, as rejection after rejection piles in:

Step one (1982-present): Gather courage. After all, this is the New Yorker we’re talking about, literature’s holy of holies!

Step two: Get idea for  “Talk of the Town” piece. Spend three hours honing single-paragraph pitch letter. Consult New Yorker’s website; email query, as suggested, to talkofthetown@newyorker.com. Mention your career as a journalist, name-check some of the more prestigious places you’ve been published, add titles of three novels.

Step three (six weeks long): Nothing. Not a phone call, not an email, not even an autoreply saying that yes, the query arrived. Nothing.

Step four: Email husband, attempting to convince him to pose as assistant, call New Yorker, ask for editor’s name so you can send query directly to him/her.

Step four (a): Patiently explain to husband that yes, you know he is not actually your assistant, but that it won’t hurt him to pretend.

Step four (b): Promise husband that yes, some day, should it become necessary, you will pretend to be his assistant, too, or anything else he wants, provided there are no handcuffs involved.

Step five: Husband comes through! You have names! Actual names of Talk of the Town editor and her assistant! Send query off to them directly.

And then the fun really starts…

Oh yeah: is it me, or does David Remnick bear a rather startling resemblance to this guy?