Create your own Serial Killer Novel

Maddy Van Hertbruggen, a noted amateur reviewer and regular on several mailing lists, hit a wall recently when she read one serial killer book too many. And so she posted this how-to guide on the 4 Mystery Addicts mailing list, which after much begging on my part, she’s graciously allowed me to post here. Just follow the handy steps after the jump and you, too, can be most proficient at this sub-genre.

YOU, TOO, CAN CREATE YOUR OWN SERIAL KILLER NOVEL!

For a limited time only, you can receive a fabulous do-it-yourself kit

for creating your very own best-selling serial killer novel!

Here is a sample of the contents:

THE PRE-WRITING CHECKLIST

KILLER’S PATHETIC BACKGROUND (choose all that apply):

__ skinny and unloved

__ fat and unloved

__ handsome and unloved

__ ugly and unloved

__ other children made fun of his Little Lord Fauntleroy suit, deforming

him for life

__ a woman with big boobs stepped on his foot, deforming him for life

__ cat pissed on his head while in the crib, deforming him for life

KILLER’S PATHETIC FAMILY:

__ alcoholic father

__ alcoholic, abusive father

__ alcoholic, abusive father who farted in front of his friends

__ alcoholic, abusive father who he killed

__ cold, uncaring mother

__ a mommy who loved too much

VICTIM:

__ blonde

__ brunette

__ redhead

__ gray hair

__ tall

__ short

__ a good girl

__ a bad girl

__ a girl

METHOD OF MURDER:

__ wrap in plastic and asphyxiate

__ wrap in nylon and asphyxiate

__ wrap in Teflon and asphyxiate

__ dip in paraffin

__ stuff in a closet and starve

__ pluck out leg hairs one by one

SIGNATURE MOVE:

__ cut open chest cavity, fill with birds, sew up with pink thread

__ cut open chest cavity, fill with flashlights, sew up with black

thread

__ cut open chest cavity, fill with Kit Kats, staple together

You can receive your copy of this fabulous toolkit by sending $19.95 to

URNUTZ Publications, PO Box 666, Frisco, TX 12345, payable to Maddy Van

Hurtin. Order before October 15 and receive your choice of pink thread,

black thread or staples.