And he’s just as funny in person as well

It was in late spring that I first heard that guys at the door of the Phish show had been accepting cash instead of tickets. Not just the occasional bribe: according to someone who was at a Coney Island show, they were accepting so much cash from so many people that they barely had time to stuff it in their pockets. With the summer’s biggest concerts on the horizon, and some beginning to sell out, I began to wonder if Phish fans were onto something. What if the very need for tickets could be eliminated with a few well-placed bills? Why pay several hundred dollars for a scalped ticket when the hand of a willing bouncer might be greased for only 50? Of course, bribery is illegal, and I felt filthy even thinking about it. But the summer changes people, and as the days grew long and warm, I resolved to try my hand.

My first stop was Madison Square Garden, for one of Madonna’s concerts. I came upon the Garden like the ancient serpent, intent upon exploiting the inherent corruptibility of man. My heart brimmed with vice, my pockets with $50 bills. I scanned the ticket takers for the classic signs of human weakness — onanism, narcissism, botulism — and soon found a man who seemed to embody them all.

“Tickets?” he asked.

How quaint.

“I don’t have them,” I said, “but the receipt is in this envelope.”

He flipped open the envelope, eyed the bribe — and said no.

The wit and wisdom of D-Nasty has <a href=”made it to primetime. So very, very best. And don’t forget to check out the cartoon version as well.