The perils of the post-match press conference

My tennis fandom days are likely behind me (it just hasn’t been the same since Pete Sampras hung it up) but like clockwork, I tune in every Monday evening to SI senior writer Jon Wertheim’s mailbag, a staple of my websurfing diet for almost (gulp) six years. This week’s column focuses primarily on the week that was at the Toronto tournament (which I barely paid attention to) but the issue of the post-match press conference came up, yet again. Tennis players are, shall we say, a boringly programmed lot. Cliches aren’t just the order; one is shocked when they don’t turn up at all. People like Martina Hingis are missed because they, at least, said stuff worth noting. But Hingis is retired, and being quotable is a dying art.

Except, of course, if you’re Marat Safin. The tour’s biggest headcase came up with another howler last week which truly speaks for itself.

Media: When you were here in 2002 you seemed to be fighting yourself a lot. It didn’t seem like there was as much of that today. You seemed to be playing more within yourself. Where are you in relation to where you were then?

Safin: I’m not fighting with myself. Oh, my God. That’s how I am. You know, the story of the hippo? The hippo comes to the monkey and said, ‘Listen, I’m not a hippo.’ So, he paint himself like a zebra. He said, ‘But he’s still a hippo.’ He said, ‘But, look at you, you’re painted like a zebra but you are a hippo.’ So then he goes, you know, like I want be a little parrot. So, he put the colors on him, and he comes to the monkey and said, ‘But, sorry, you are a hippo.’ So, in the end, you know, he comes and said, ‘I’m happy to be a hippo.’ This is who I am. So, I have to be who I am, and he’s happy being a hippo.

Media: I hadn’t heard that story.

Of course, this is the same guy who, a few years back, populated his portion of the friends box at the Australian Open with some blonde buxom beauties instead of the obligatory coach/trainer/family group. Stodgy he ain’t.

And as for Wertheim, he manages to sneak in a David Foster Wallace mention in the ‘Bag this week. And it works, in context…..